Spare a thought for me
by The Sentient Wolf
Summary: Harry vists Sirius's grave were he resounds to make the harshest choice of his life-- to end it.


Spare a thought for me  
  
Name The Sentient Wolf  
  
Email   
  
Disclaimer The characters are not mine, they never will be, they all belong to the brilliant JK Rowling. Author?s Note The verse/lyrics ?Spare a thought for me? are my own. Comments and criticism are most appreciated. Rating PG-13 Categories Drama and Angst Summary Harry visits Sirius' grave where he resounds to make the harshest decision of his life, against Remus' wishes. Characters Remus and Harry  
  
**For a chance to dream tonight, Many lives I will sacrifice, If only for a selfish desire, For 'tis the beat of my own heart I long to hear.**  
  
The rain lashed at his face, streaming down his neck and drenching his mud- stained robes as Harry Potter knelt beside his Godfather's grave.  
  
_Sirius!_  
  
It had been only weeks, but to Harry it felt like a lifetime.  
  
For his life now the choice was black or white, live or die.  
  
**And, if only for a moment passing, My heart shall be the loudest sound, Deafening to my own ears, Blinding to my eyes, For I long to live, A life I have never known!**  
  
Into sections Harry's very world was split, before Sirius, with Sirius, and after.  
  
_Why?! Why?! Why?! WHY?!_  
  
Of all the bitterest of thoughts this was the most intense, surpassing even the denial, above the self-blame, the self-pity, for this was hatred.  
  
Hatred against he who could not defend himself; hatred for the dead.  
  
**Oh, but 'tis only a dream, A dream held deep within, Deep within my heart and mind,**  
  
_You were everything to me... EVERYTHING! You left me! Now, where can I go? I don't know what to do! And I don't want to die!_  
  
**But mere men should never be allowed the right to dreams, For they hold not truth, But hopeless lies, And leave us to dwell**  
  
?'I hate you!' Harry's voice was hardly a whisper, but it rose with his rage, 'I HATE YOU!'  
  
His shout vibrated through the dark graveyard, the poring rain created the illusion of a silver mist raising from the ground.  
  
**Yet my life was left a tangled mesh of emotions, Feelings too strong to explain, Even it was my wish,**  
  
'YOU LEFT ME!' Harry's voice broke as hot tears mingled with the icy thrash of rain, coursing down his cheeks. 'GOD, WHY?! WHY ME?!'  
  
_WHY ME?! Voldemort took my parents from me before I had memories to hold! And when I finally find a hope to life for, you take him away too! Now, I must either die or kill, Ruin my life either way._  
  
**For I want so much to live! To feel, To be, To take the chance upon a foolish dream, A hope,**  
  
'I HATE YOU!' He thrashed out, striking the concrete headstone with balled fists.  
  
He struck and stuck again until blood began to flow from his grazed knuckles, it trickled down his wrists, staining his sleeves, it hurt like hell, yet it felt good, as though he deserved it, and in a strange way it reminded him that as long as the pain remained he knew he still lived.  
  
**Hope, The sweet irony, Hope is none but a deception, Something men look on, When all else is lost. A deception I shall no longer turn to, And I shall no longer dream.**  
  
His hands clutched the moist earth as Harry fell forwards, now on all fours.  
  
'I'm sorry!' With no knowledge he was speaking out loud Harry repeated these two words in a ragged whisper almost inaudible, but it no longer mattered, he was completely alone, alone in a dark, dank graveyard, kneeling at the foot of a grave, weeping rivers in the cold, thrashing rain.  
  
**No longer does it matter, No longer do I wear my heart upon my frayed sleeve, For the pain of loss is too great a burden to bear, And no longer do I care, For in all my loss still I must fight, And in the heart of a warrior there is room not for Dreams, Or hope, Or love, And as you lay yourself down to sleep, Safe in your own mind, If you might Spare a thought for me.**  
  
Forked lightning flashed in the moonless sky, brighter then any sun could ever dream to be.  
  
'Oh God!' He could barely gasp out his cry, throat raw from endless sobbing, 'Sirius, I don't want to die!'  
  
'You won?t.'  
  
There was no need to even look up, Harry knew the voice, it was the voice of the only one to grieve as much as himself, the only one to even start to understand, it was Remus Lupin.  
  
'I won't let it happen!' Remus dropped beside Harry who still held his head downwards, tears disappearing in the rain-cast mist before the reached the ground.  
  
'You can't control it,' An insane smile twisted on the youth's face, 'No one can!'  
  
**Yes, spare a though for me, And all who battle the un-winable war That is our own lonely lives,  
  
For tonight as you dream away, I will be locked in my own vicious cycle, For each life I take, One shall be torn from my own, And when I have no more blood to bleed? When my tears have run dry? Only spare a thought for me.**  
  
'I can do everything in my power!' Remus seized the boy's shoulders; emerald green eyes met golden-brown for an instant as Remus hissed in a hoarse voice, 'I will do everything- anything to keep it from happening!'  
  
'And if it's not enough?' Harry wrenched himself back, turning from the elder man, the pain in his eyes had become too much, 'You can't control it! When will you understand?!'  
  
The beautiful brown eyes filled with tears, 'Harry-'  
  
'And it's not that! I can't kill, Remus! I'm not a murderer!' His eyes had grown miraculously dry, pain and hurt replaced by anger and rage, 'How do you justify that?'  
  
With his own tears sliding down his gaunt face Remus struggled desperately to find the words, 'It's- it's only murder if the innocent fall, Harry. Please, you've got to see it like that or - or else-'  
  
'Or else what?!' Jet-black hair plastered against the dully aching scar, but it was all so far away, it hardly mattered, 'Or else I?ll lose my mind?! It's a bit late for that!'  
  
**All I have ever known Is what my mind has been sold, But in my heart and in my mind The courage built, And I can not let it go,  
  
But tonight my only strength shall me fail, For tonight as my deceptions twirl within my soul, For tonight I know my own life shall end And at the blade of my own knife shall it be, As the battle rolls on my own beating heart sounds in my own ears, Yes, tonight it?s beat is rivaled by none, But, yet, still spare a thought for me.**  
  
'Harry don't it's not-' Remus's sentence was punctured by shuddering gasps, another bolt of white lightning illuminated the dark sky, flashing through the graveyard, 'Lily gave her life for you!' A sudden anger welled in his chest, 'What about her? And James?!'  
  
Could he honestly do it?  
  
A fresh wave of tears engulfed him, the sheer agony blinding him, blackness swirled around him, but as he felt Remus? warm hand grasp his shoulder through his sodden robe his vision blurred back, and he knew, now more then ever, that he had to tell him.  
  
'Remus?' A distant voice spoke, settling on the night air, 'I'm going to fight him, Snape knows where he will be.'  
  
He had been told by the Potions Master just the previous evening, he had been alone as Snape had looked him right in the eye, and for the first time in his life the Slytherin had shown a flicker of emotion, he'd known.  
  
He must have seen it in Harry's eyes for as he had left he had whispered 'Good bye Potter, and thank you.'  
  
'Oh Harry- you're the only one- I-' The werewolf broke off suddenly, something told him Harry had not yet finished, a slow, ice-cold shiver ran through him, 'Harry- what is it?'  
  
'I'll fight him,' The tips of Harry's shaking fingers ran slowly over the cold headstone, 'I'll beat him, he's caused too much pain, I'll never forgive him. At his hands how much blood was split? I can never forgive him. Yeah, I'll beat him,' His eyes locked on Remus, held him in a steady gaze, 'I'll kill him- before turning my wand on myself.'  
  
'No!' Two hands grabbed the front Harry?s robes as Remus began to sob, warm tears running the entire length of his face before landing on both his own and Harry's robes, 'You can't- Harry please?!'  
  
**Spare a thought for me,  
  
For what I am about to do.**  
  
?I won?t let you!?  
  
'You have no control.' Harry was shocked to find himself so calm, yet, once again, it no longer mattered.  
  
'How- how can you?' Slowly withdrawing his hands Remus pressed them to his face, tears streaming down his wrists.  
  
'You don't understand!' Blood pounding in his ears, Harry forced himself not to think about the wall of guilt damming within him.  
  
'NO ONE CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT IT'S LIKE! HOW CAN I TAKE ANYONE?'S LIFE AND LIVE WITH IT?! Remus,' His voice lowered as he set eyes on the weeping man, a man who usually fought with everything he had to keep his tears from showing, now Remus was sobbing for a lifetime's worth of pain. 'Remus, I've got nothing, I want to be with Sirius, and my parents Remus! They're happy, and I- I want that!'  
  
**An act of cowardice?  
  
Perhaps,  
  
The pain in my own heart?  
  
Maybe,  
  
For whatever the reason may be,  
  
I beg not for pity,**  
  
Lowering his hands Remus looked at Harry with hollow eyes, already grieving the youth's death, 'Come here!'  
  
Harry found himself swept into a powerful embrace and nestled into the elder man?s robes.  
  
Harry's guilt intensified as Remus sobbed on his shoulder and yet he found he could no longer produce the tears.  
  
His head was pressed against Remus's chest, rising and falling rapidly, and he listened to the sound of the man's beating heart, falling in time to his own.  
  
Their hearts thundering as one, holding each other in the falling rain, they both knew: Remus would never recover, he would put on a cheerful face to the world around him, but deep inside his sobs would never cease, he would loose everything about his own past. The world would rejoice to the final downfall of the Dark Lord, but grieve at the loss of The-Boy-Who- Lived, the rivals would never be forgotten.  
  
Ron would curse, he'd scream and yell and cry, he'd pull away from the world, Hermione might do the same, but she'd understand, she'd see Harry in a happy place.  
  
Snape, that was so very hard to place, who knew what the Potions Master would truly do, no matter what he said out loud.  
  
Dumbledore would understand better then even anyone, but just perhaps he would let but a single tear fall for the child he had known beyond all others.  
  
**For pity for men has never done well, Not me, I ask not for empathy I can never ask you to understand, But, as your eyes close, Perhaps you could find it in yourself, Just spare a thought for me.**  
  
Harry's eyes closed and for a moment he sank deeper into the warmth and safety of Remus's strong arms, then he pulled away, slowing he rose to his feet.  
  
Finding himself unable to even look at Remus he whispered, in a voice almost lost in the rain, 'Thank you, my friend. I'm sorry. I'll tell Sirius and my dad how much you care, but they know, they know Remus. But please, tell Ron and Hermione how much they meant to me, and tell Dumbledore I say thank you for everything, and,' He paused, not entirely sure why, but he needed to mention one more name, 'And Snape, tell him I say thanks- and sorry.'  
  
The werewolf's words were almost inaudible over his heart-wrenching sobs, 'I-I will Harry. Good luck, you can do it.'  
  
Without another word Harry turned and began a slow walk toward the cemetery gate, the sound of Remus's weeping slowing softened and died, lost in the rain and distance.  
  
A distance that now was stretching further then ever.  
  
**I long so much to live!  
  
But a dream is just a dream,  
  
And so hard is the fact that each man was put upon the earth to die.  
  
Yet no before his time is lived,  
  
As mine is not.**  
  
A slow rumble of thunder made Harry tilt his head back to the starless sky, through the blur of rain he could make out nothing but a black smudge.  
  
_What's it like?  
  
Does it hurt?  
  
Am I ready?  
  
Was anyone ever truly ready for death?  
  
It's my turn, this is it. Voldemort, you're time is up! Your life ends by MY hands!_  
  
And as Harry walked he felt a smile spread over his face.  
  
_Sirius, Mum, Dad, I'm coming._  
  
**Spare a thought for me, And those I leave behind In life I longed so much to live In a place I will never see. Oh, please, spare a thought for me!**  
  
_I'm coming!_


End file.
